Friday, December 28, 2007

To Party or Not?

I feel like crap. I think it’s because of the change in my lifestyle the last couple of weeks and all the Christmas activities that I tired to do. Mind you I didn’t do a whole lot, but what extra I did has made me feel like absolute crap since Christmas Day. I couldn’t’ get the legs under me on the 26th or the 27th. I had hoped to feel pretty good before my needle tonight because I was off work on vacation all week. Nope! I feel like major CRAP!

I jumped on the scales and I’m 139 lbs this morning. Not a good thing for someone 5’ 11” at the tender age of permanent 49. I just purchased four new pairs of dress pants for work last week to hide the weight loss. If the pants fit better you don’t look so thin if they aren’t hanging off your bottom. There is one ladies tall store where I live and they only go down to a size 7 in a youth fit. I am not a youth and those hipster pants just aren’t working for me. LOL

Also, we got a call to go down to friend’s tonight for a get together. I thought I was brave enough that I could take my needle at 8 p.m. as usual pop a Tylenol and go down for a couple of hours. I’ll probably do it when I come home. I checked on the forum and Ross indicated it won’t hurt me to delay it a few hours and I probably should wait until I come home to do the shot.

I should try to get there for a few hours to put the crew off the scent that I’m not feeling up to par and not attending social activities. I will be questioned with the reason why I'm not drinking even though they haven't seen me drink at social activity since last January. (prior to dx) I think I can hold my own, however, the friend we will be traveling with did say the day she saw me a few weeks ago and indicated that I looked exhausted.

I expect I do.

Fake it until you make it!

Thursday, December 27, 2007

My Christmas Dinner Spaz

I did as little as I could get away with throughout Christmas Eve and Christmas day, but it was more than my usual “slug state”.

I am licked!

I did a riba rant, shamefully, over my good flatware after everyone left following Christmas dinner. I did the same thing after Thanksgiving dinner and, ironically, following Thanksgiving dinner I vowed not to put any of my good dishes or flatware out until I was finished tx and thinking more logically. However, I had an extra guest for Christmas dinner who turned up at the last minute and I made the decision to put out my good flatware as my regular stuff is not the best. Being the only female in a house full of men I have to watch my good dishes and, of course, my elderly Mom causes me “grievous agony” with my good dishes and flatware at the best of times when I wasn’t on tx.

I look after it and I hand wash myself so that it remains the same year after year after it is used. When I had my wits about me prior to tx I could monitor that none of it went into the dishwasher or managed to get mixed into with the regular everyday flatware. I went days after Thanksgiving dinner looking for a fork that was missing. I ranted for days about it. It finally turned up and NO One would admit to the deed. (No wonder! LOL)

Well, the same thing happened following Christmas dinner only they put my good stuff in the dishwasher and, eventually, three knives and two forks were among the missing. I couldn’t find them for the life of me and after searching and searching obsessively for them I absolutely lost the plot. I know what I was doing was abnormal. LOL

Good thing it was only my poor husband who witnessed it. I was furious and I knew that I cannot put this stuff out anymore no matter what while I’m on treatment.

I need to get a life! LOL

Christmas dinner for 12 people (same as feeding 18 of a normal eaters) put me into a tailspin and I couldn’t find anything as things were not put back in their proper place. I couldn’t get near my kitchen to do my stuff as it was full of other people running the show. I was disorganized, totally unprepared and didn’t have the energy to do it. I usually have these huge dinners down to a fine art. Planned to the minute. Not this year!

I can only hope that I am still on this tx this time next year. Odd thing to wish for, however, it will mean that I made it past the 48 weeks and I’m into the extra 24 and only a month left that I have to treat to try and clear this virus. However, there is no one else that can take on Christmas dinner. It was always my responsibility and my Mom is 80 and my sister is crippled up with obesity so I am the only one to do it.

I made it through this one.

I’m not so sure I shall be able to make it through another one.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Merry Christmas to all!

Health & Happiness in the New Year.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Preparing for Christmas

I managed to get the gifts purchased and wrapped the last several weeks with some help from my husband. Saturday was a day of gift wrapping and I do appreciate those bags that you can dump the gift into instead of the cutting and taping of the rolls of wrapping paper. Just figuring out how to cut it and wrap it…along with what tag and ribbon to use just boggled my mind. It seemed too complicated. LOL My husband has told me that my brain fog has just brought me down to the level of everyone else. He’s a laugh a minute!

My Christmas doesn’t usually have my usual finesse and I am disappointed that none of the extra touches are done. I don’t have the energy to do it all and it will be the first Christmas in 20 years that I won’t have my Christmas table set with my Christmas dishes. It will be a 10% Christmas on my scale of 100%.

I didn’t entertain, bake, decorate extensively or purchase the perfect little gifts for my boys and my family. I couldn’t go anywhere to be entertained and had to give up many social invitations pretending that I was already booked with another event to attend. I don’t want to get into discussions with very prying friends why I am not having my social glass of wine. It’s daunting to know that this will be my life for the next year and a half. I can only say that I tried the treatment and it’s not too big of a price to pay if this is all I have to lament.

My whole world evolves around injecting that needle on Friday night…getting those two pills into me at an early dinner so that I am not suffering from wired sides at night. No one I know entertains dinner at 5 p.m. Also, where I have to take the pills in the middle of the meal with yoghurt it certainly puts a damper on having a meal in public and raising a few eyebrows. I can go without the yoghurt if it’s a big enough meal, however, I have to stop my meal, reach into my purse and eat the pills. I could get up in the middle of the meal and go take them in the washroom, I guess. I’ll eventually get around that I suppose. However, talk about bringing unwanted attention and questions to the ritual that I don’t want to discuss.

On a much brighter note other than feeling sorry for myself…lol… I had very good blood tests results from last week and the nurse practitioner is hopeful that being this far into the treatment my bloods should stay the same. I can only hope that they will.

NP is concerned that my blood sugar is low and is questioning whether I am eating enough. Yup! I have no room for any more food. I never go hungry and I am eating well balanced healthy meals. I always had a little trouble with low blood sugar and didn’t think it was an issue. It seems to be showing up in this treatment. She told me to eat copious amounts of junk to get the blood sugar up and I was never a huge junk eater…except fresh plain salted chips. (crisps for all you UK’ers) My nemesis has always been chips.

Shot 14 down on Friday night. Saturday was a good day. This morning I am feeling a bit off. I usually do feel flu-like in the mornings and improve throughout the day. Ironically, one would think that I’d be better in the mornings after a night’s sleep. Nope! Of course, by the evening I have increased fatigue.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Job Offer...Worst Possible Time of My Career

I received a call last Wednesday and I am gob smacked. I have been offered three month term position by my employer. Head office wants to second me from my regular job to put me out in a management position. It’s a good one and it’s working at different work sites locally regarding auditing. It’s not heavy duty, but it can open some doors for me once I am feeling better if I get through tx . (or not!)

TX is my mission right now, however, this three month position will be beneficial to me upon retirement as I would possibly be able to “ease out” and work some, but not full time when the time arrives. My pension plan was very crappy and I will not have a good pension when I am required to retire.

It’s not a strenuous job, it’s a thinking job.

I won’t be able to hide as well as I could at my regular job.

I have no idea how my sides will change during the next three months. No one on treatment has this knowledge.

This opportunity has come up and I had been longing for a chance at this opportunity for years only to have it come up at the worst possible time of my career. It was never even an option for me as I was always “passed over” and someone else (the same person every time) was chosen. That person was not considered this time. I was shocked.

I asked them for an extension of the weekend to make up my mind. I know they are shocked that I hesitated as they figured I would jump at the position. The contributing factor is I am on long term chemotherapy and trying to hide the fact that I have this virus.

I have a very nasty tyrant for a co-worker and this might compound problems for my other colleagues in my current workplace if I take the position. (Knowing her it will be a problem)

I waffled for days over this and put things in order at work as if I am taking the short term job, however, I do wish it were a decision I didn’t have to make this year. The opportunity will not be offered again and they will move on very quickly to someone else if I refuse and that person will benefit.

Interesting what life hands you, isn’t it?

Someone told me a long time ago (my current boss) that “things happen for a reason”.

Shot 13 down Friday, December 14. That puts me into the 50’s left. 59 to be exact.

What a trip.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Shot 12

I overdid it at work on Thursday and managed to acquire a hulking migraine by Friday morning. I am not susceptible to headaches, but this one was sickening. I am working eight hour days with no major breaks in the day and I was forced to work on someone else’s project in order to speed it up as this other person has been dragging their heels doing it. I had to do it so that my part will meet the deadline looming next week. I stressed myself and focused on it all Thursday so it was inevitable that I would feel like crap on Friday. I was delayed getting into work about an hour after the Tylenol kicked in and my stomach settled down from the headache. I was seedy all day, but I was OK to function.

Also, a co-worker was out for two days (Thursday and Friday) so it compounds my job when she is out. She misses major amounts of time and it’s going to hit them hard when I go on reduced work load and then when I eventually take off sick time they might notice the burn. I realize everyone is replaceable. :(

I was eager to get home by the end of the day.

I decided on Friday that I could not do Christmas. On Saturday the family unit, the boys, husband and one of the boy’s beautiful girlfriend, J, all got together and decorated my two trees. I am such a fanatic about my Christmas trees that it would take me a week or so to decorate them in the past. However, when I came out off the bedroom after my exhausted nap on Saturday afternoon the trees were done and were perfect. They were the most beautiful Christmas trees I ever had because everyone chipped in to get it done. Being the only female with three males for all these years I had to orchestrate everything. I always thought that they didn’t really pay attention to it all, but this year it just warmed my heart how much they remembered and how much they kicked in to help. The boys are going to pick out stuff for each other’s socks. I cannot shop, I cannot go and do and I cannot function through this season without help.

The 12 shot is done at full strength. I have not had my bloods done since November 7. I have to have one done on the 17th of December before my appointment in the clinic.

I think I’m holding my own. However, folding a sheet is a major task and I had to rest after I put each blanket on the bed when I changed it today.

Monday, December 3, 2007

The Dentist!

I made it to my dentist today. My older son couldn’t make his appointment this morning so I took his place. This is the first time I had been back to the dentist since my diagnosis.

The cleaning is done and over with and a huge milestone for me because this bothered me terribly going back to my dentist’s office after I had to admit to him that I was diagnosed with hep c last spring. It was a struggle to tell him and I left him to the last person I had to tell.

My poor dentist knows that I have one huge dentist phobia. Ironically, all these years I was so fearful of picking up some heinous disease from a dentist that I would always insist on the first appointment of the day so I would be sure that all the instruments used for cleaning teeth would be fresh from the autoclave.

Even though I do not know where and when I picked up hep c the only possibility I have focused on since my diagnosis has been dental surgery in the 60’s & 70’s. We had a very skanky dentist in my home town at that time. He was a legend in skanky. However, as a child I also lined up for those inoculations and I keep wondering about those TB shots where they punctured us with the same instrument after clipping on a new plate.

Even though my dentist is immaculate and he assures me I am safe with him and patients who come in after me will be safe I am having a struggle with this aspect of my life.

I am a wreck with it.

Shot 11 was smooth and uneventful. Same old, same old, fatigue.