Have I reached acceptance even though I have no proof?

I knew I had to post this here because it's part of my Hep C journey.


Have I reached acceptance even though I have no proof?


I would appreciate input into something the Nurse Practitioner said to me the last time I saw her.

Of course, those of you who are familiar with my situation will know that have no clue where I picked up the hep c virus during my life’s journey to date. I was born and brought up in Smallville. When diagnosed I became a lost soul and I couldn’t accept that there was no answer to where, when or why. Many posters would come online and tell me that there was nothing I could do about it and just be thankful that I know that I have the virus and I’m treating it. The posters that wrote this pretty well knew where they picked up the virus so they reached acceptance. I could not because of the unknown. I was always pretty sure that I picked it up because someone was “sloppy in Smallville.”

Recently, two things have helped me reach acceptance.

The recent revelation that reusing syringes in operating rooms was a common in the 80’s & 90’s in Canada and US. I had several major surgeries and invasive testing done during this time of my life. Many times I watched them inject whatever into an IV in the operating room and in my hospital bed. They would come in with a filled syringe and inject it into my IV . As innocent as that seemed at the time, it shows that I had no clue that they may have drawn that out of a tainted bottle into a used syringe. This was very common at this time.

The other thing that helped is that I know from reading the forums that there is no set pattern to biopsy results. My biopsy results were excellent minimal inflammation of the liver between 0-1 (scale) at the time I asked the question on the form and was told that it means nothing regarding how long I have had the virus. I was always searching for an answer. Being a theorizer and I questioned NP last visit regarding my excellent biopsy results and if that meant that I had hep c a long time or a short time. She hesitated and said...”I would say that you probably haven’t been walking around with this virus for 40 years” .It seemed to settle me and I grabbed that theory because I needed to have an answer. I still want to hear forum member’s theories regarding this biopsy issue and my NP’s response.

RR


Genotype 1Pegetron 135 µg Ribavirin 1000 mg72 week tour of duty

Responses to my post

by Alvin on Fri Nov 14, 2008 4:37 pm
Rose,I'm not sure how anyone can know exactly the moment he/she got hep even if transfusions were involved. We may have picked it up at the dentist. My life style risk factors ceased entirely by 1971. I positively got hep B and probably C in 1967. That is 40+ years ago. My bx in March '08 came out stage 1/2 fibrosis on the Metavir (0-4) scale. I guess the point is it can hang around a long time and not completely destroy the liver. IMO, your NP is reading tea leaves or rolling chicken bones. . . or more probably assuming you led an alternative life style way back when.There's quite a stigma about the whole thing here in the states. That's one of the reasons I prefer UK boards. In the end, I guess we all have to be at peace with ourselves. I offer sincere best wishes on a successful completion of tx. After all, there's still a lot of life to be lived.

by pixie on Fri Nov 14, 2008 4:58 pm
Rose I know the transmission route has been difficult for you to come to terms with..I often think of all the dangers I had been put in regarding other peoples blood over the years.My Daughter Fathers first wife was a registered addict back in the 70s he told me story's of having to clean her and up take syringes out of her arms some days, he hated drugs and had to divorce her over the problems it was causing..He was a drinker tho and I endured many years of abuse from him ending with me being taken to Hospital to be cleaned up..who knows if he had it..?..he died when he was 50 tho he had a history of depression and manic behaviour...i once stopped to help a street man that was having a epileptic fit.I was covered in his blood ....I worked in a Nursing home back in the 80s before we had gloves issued and had a chap admitted he must have been a hemophiliac as I remember him having injections to clot his blood, he had lots of bleeds while he was there I remember mopping up the blood lots of times...and at this time I would have had lots of cuts working there...The list goes on .... I hope you can come to terms with it....not long to go now..px
Geno 1b.One of the 20% with no sides thru Treatment..Finished Tx March 07SVR October 07


Hey RoseMaybe if you knew why it bothers you not to know how you got infected it would help you come to terms with it. Is it because without a definite answer to give people you feel they may think you are lying to hide a druggie past, or is it that if you don't know how it happened then you could so easily get infected again in the same way. I think your NP is talking rubbish. I have probably been infected since 1976 when i also caught hepB and i have very minimal liver damage - stage 1/6.Good luck with coming to terms with itstar



by MYS on Fri Nov 14, 2008 9:25 pm
Rose -You started treatment fairly quickly after your diagnosis, I think that is partially the reason why you were fixated on 'how did I get this? how did this happen to me?' Then, the interferon magnifies these fixations. I waited over 8 years from the time I was diagnosed until I started treatment. In those first years, I just could not accept that I got it from the 1 pint of blood I had received - it just didn't seem possible that I would be that unlucky. I blamed and or suspected everyone including: my mother, who had an unspecified kidney and liver condition when she was a child - in the 1930's, passing it to me at birth, and I even wanted to get her hospital records from then. every dentist I had ever been to in my lifemass immunizations when I was in schoolall of the surgeries that I had I finally gave up (but not completely - I still wonder about it occasionally) trying to figure out how I got it. The pint of blood was the most likely source, and yes, I am that unlucky. Even though it was 1976, the hospital was still using the old rubber tubes (instead of disposable plastic ones) and glass bottles to hold and deliver blood. The cleanliness standards there weren't the greatest. (I picked up a bad case of ringworm on my butt after being there - why wouldn't the Hep C have come from the same hospital)?The point I'm trying to make, is that your need to know may be partially driven by the interferon, at this point. I hope you have finally accepted that you will probably never know how you got it, and that you'll be able to not think about it as often, once you're done your treatment and reach SVR.All the best,MYS
Formerly Hep C 2A/C 'Hybrid,' now SVR!


by jb on Sat Nov 15, 2008 8:47 am
I don't think the state of a persons liver is an indication of how long they have had the virus.... two people might get it on the same day, but their lifestyles are totally different... one may drink the other not... eating habits, smoking, work, sleep patterns etc etc would all make a difference as to the progress of the virus and it's damage to the liver....I too often think at which point in my life did I actually get this virus.... was it during my needle sharing day's 73-76 or a tattoo, piercing... from a jet gun at school.... my ex wife's first husband has HCV...... it is easier for me than you as I have so many transmission routes to choose from..... don't drive yourself in circles accept that you will never really know exactly where or when.... keep going Rose... I am behind you but catching up....
Geno 1a relapsed October 2007 2nd treatment started May 2008 for 72 weeks ....Brodo




by Really Rose on Sun Nov 16, 2008 11:05 am
In my heart I know that I’ll never know where, when or how I was dinged with Hep C. However, I might be reaching the acceptance stage of grief being diagnosed with this virus. It took me nearly two years to reach this point.Take CareRose