Saturday, February 16, 2008

Trying to Upload New Pic to Forum

Shot 22

Yesterday, Friday, I experienced “riba rage”. I suffered from occasional “riba rant” up to this point. People on treatment refer to it, but I got a taste of it and I had a huge struggle to keep myself in check. Friday just kept getting increasingly worse for me and in the early morning I was a ranting lunatic over a stupid family dinner that was sprung on me the night before. (You know…the old…”Let’s have a party at your house.” Syndrome) It was smooth how my poor Mom organized it. However, she knows I’m not feeling well, but doesn’t know that I inject myself with chemo every Friday night. This wouldn’t be happening, however, she thinks I’m on arthritis meds.

I was like a deer caught in the headlights because I had no way of talking my Mom out of it. I tried everything, but she was hanging on because she thought my brother was able to attend so she wanted to keep the idea going. My sis who knows what’s going on tried to put the brakes to it and, finally, late Friday night I got the call that I was pardoned. It wore me out as I didn’t want any family dinners until Easter and it would be easier for me to recover on a long weekend. Christmas dinner for 12 was exhausting and I was off on vacation several days that time.

Here’s the dirt on my three month position. I have been so upset lately and I’m just doing my time until I get back to my regular position the end of March. I signed up for the short term position and given a verbal claim that they would pay me 10% more than what I was making at my previous job along with travel reimbursement. I didn’t think was much, however, I was going for the learning experience and the possibility of “phased retirement” where I could do these audits part time.

I knew it was a non union position and only temporary, however, I still had protection of my seniority with union for this short term.

Prior to taking this position I was an eight hour employee and was shocked when I received my pay that I was reduced to a 7.5 hour employee. Apparently, they neglected to tell me that it wasn’t 10% more on my gross wages, but 10% more an hour. I tried to get this all in writing at the first before taking the temporary position and would email people and they would call me back with the info and not answer the emails. I was hesitant and I should have gone with my gut feeling that I needed this in writing. However, being a 24 year employee I thought that it was straightforward because others had done it before me. However, these were new non-union positions that were temporary. Management adjusted the positions to suit them and save some money. Anyhow, I’m taking home the grand total of $2.92 extra on my pay a day and I’m still working eight to 8.5 hours a day. What a joke. Therefore, I am not ahead financially. Also, I find out yesterday that they are going to “dick” me around on the travel claims.

The main boss called me when I kicked up a stink about it and didn’t want me to leave the position and go back to my previous job. He indicated that it was his error and he didn’t calculate that I was an eight hour employee and even though he couldn’t pay me eight hours I am to keep records of the extra time worked and he would see if he could compensate me in the end. This, of course, was verbal. (also a crock of shit) Unfortunately, my site boss has to sign off the extra hours. What a joke. He’s hardly there when I am there and he’s not home with me at night and on the weekends to verify that I am doing work for my employer. I am keeping records for myself only to use for ammo if they ask me to do this job again. I stayed in it because there were other people depending on me to complete the job. There is a casual employee at my regular job and I want to keep her trained in case I have to go on work reduction or if I get too sick on treatment. This should benefit me in the long run, but things don’t usually work out to plan. I also stayed on the job because it vented my anger elsewhere and kept me preoccupied and not thinking about my treatment, but my site boss is wearing me down.

My boss is scattered and disorganized and I have no clue why this person has this job. He doesn’t know how to prioritize his work and doesn’t complete tasks when he should. The brain fog was bad for me last week and being with a disorganized person wrecks me. He gives me stuff to do then either changes it or moves parts of it from the filing system when I need to retrieve the info. Not good when you have your wits about you … even less productive when you don’t on chemo.

Thursday I organized it so that I just had to stop off at the main office on my way through to do an audit at another site on Friday morning. I wanted to get to the site early and get it done. My boss and I conflict on work times as he procrastinates getting to work. I get there on time and still stay late because he keeps me there. It doesn’t matter when I come into work it just never works out and my goal is to get home by 5 to take my meds with food.

My boss is not very organized, but I have to depend on him for reference documents for the audits as I don’t have access to the info. When I rushed into my office in the early morning I discovered that Mr. DISORGANIZED didn’t have my stuff prepared that he indicated he would have ready in the early morning I was frothing. He left me a voice mail to inform me that he opted to go home the night before instead of staying to do the required print offs. It would have taken him ten minutes throughout the day to do it. I felt like biffing all my organized stuff from my car (that I dragged out the night before and dragged home which is heavy and exhausting while on tx) off the side wall of the main office I was so livid. I was frothing and I had to keep myself in check. He rolled in around 9 when he should be there at 8:30 a.m. I hate depending on him to complete my job as it makes me appear inefficient. He won’t get his money’s worth out off me because I am there to reduce his workload and he’s not helping himself much by being so disorganized.

Anyhow, he left at 1:30 p.m. Friday to do a personal thing and I was left without the audit completed.

It’s the meds and I have to be very careful that I don’t get dwelling on how sorry I feel for myself. I did get very low yesterday.

Therefore, I am doing nothing this weekend and going no where. I feel ok early this morning following my 22nd shot, but that doesn’t predict the day or the week.

I’m trying to calm down.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Shot 21

When I turned 21 years of age I was devastated as it made me officially an adult. I even had tears well up in my eyes. I wanted to be “18 til I die” in the famous words of Canadian rocker, Brian Adams. I had to make decisions and decide what to do with my life as time was moving on for me. It was a mixed up time in my life as it is with so many young people today. It was an era as a female that you picked a profession or got married.

Shot 21 makes me an adult tx’er now. I am in the game and I have to push through it no matter what the outcome. I’ll know by the end March if this tx is even working for me.

My anger at the virus keeps me going through this tedious ordeal.

I am pretty quiet on the forums these days as I am exhausted. I’m there though … reading and keeping up with all my pals.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Shot 20

This is my new Burmese Girl, Frankie. She is a great comfort to me throughout this treatment.

I’d try to post more, but my life is so boring right now.

I get up, coffee, eat/ribas , go to work, exhaust myself, come home, eat/ribas, flop on chair, fudge stick (my treat that doesn’t wreck my stomach), go to bed, heating pad, fight the kitten for the heating pad, read until I’m tired…and every Friday night, just for the thrill of it…I get to inject myself with a needle full of insecticide. Jeez, I’m even bored with it why the hell bore the rest of you with it. LOL

However, I did manage to get out of the house with my husband to purchase a power generator yesterday. It’s a much needed necessity here now that our power company went public several years ago. The power outages are frequent and long term. I have never witnessed the power outages here since the power company went public. They are trying to make the best bang for their buck so that means not doing any preventative maintenance. They do reactive repairs and it takes days for them to figure it out with all the aging equipment they have let fall down around us while they are saving money for their private investors.

The hair thinning is daunting, isn’t it? It’s only noticeable to me right now as I planned for it and cut and chemically enhanced the colour of my hair prior to starting my tx tour of duty. The thinning started around week 14 and at week 20 it’s not slowing down. I do hope that it will slow down. It seems to be an all over loss not in patches and I was told by a pal who is on another treatment that causes hair loss that it’s a good sign and could mean that I won’t have huge bald patches. Whatever happens with my hair it won’t take me off treatment. I’ll just have to hide. LOL

I figure that most people don’t notice stuff too much about other people unless it’s extreme. Also, if they do notice it most people are too polite to mention it.

I weighed in at 136.8 lbs last Friday which is low for my height. The first time I ever weighed myself was when I was in high school and I weighed 136 lbs. I’m below my BMI this week and it’s noticeable. The weight loss was questioned on Friday. One of my male co-workers commented on it because I hadn’t seen him in a long while. I just indicated that I was on some meds that were knocking the heck out of me. He asked no more and I volunteered no extra info. He accepted that explanation.

I am worried about my bones, though. I used to take vitamin D & E and now I find that it makes me ill feeling so I don’t take it now. I don’t feel well taking anything else extra. I used to drink a lot more milk, but I have replaced it with more yogurt and cheese, however, I don’t think it’s enough. Calcium tablets upset my stomach even when I’m off tx so I can’t take them. Also, my scare with melanoma in 2004 has made me the sunscreen queen. I’ll have to get a few minutes of sunshine as much as I can for vitamin D, but that’s hard in the winter here.

I have tried the biotin for my hair. I take 1000 mg a day and my pharmacist & NP are indicating that there should be no problem with taking it with my tx. .

Shot 20 this week and I had a much better weekend than last weekend.