Monday, January 28, 2008


I remember when I turned 19. It's the legal drinking age here in my province and I went to a bar. The bar closed down years ago, but I remember feeling all grown up and enjoying the social aspect of it. I wasn't much of a drinker, however, I do miss my good glass of wine with dinner now and again. I miss the social aspect of it.

I am feeling like crap. I am functioning, but I feel like crap.

I needed support when I was diagnosed with Hep C and the UK forum was such a positive place when I logged in when I became a member way back in May 2007. Now it has scared the hell out of me regarding the in fighting, the exodus of long time members, logging IP addy’s and seeking out people for their exact geographical area they live along with possibility and accusations that pm’s and monitoring their pm’s. The innuendos made in various posts that no one can be trusted. Have I become swept up with the paranoia wondering who is a friend and who isn’t? Nope! My friends here are supportive not sniping or oiling for fights all the time. LOL

I have pulled back tremendously from the UK forum that should have been full of support. The “in fighting” and accusations scare the hell out of me and I don’t want to be a part of it.

What a loss of knowledge for me as I am hesitant to even ask a question about my sides or my treatment on the UK forum. I don’t share too much anymore regarding my treatment or sides. I have a long haul if I make it through this treatment.

My tx buddies also seem to be struggling the same as I am trying to find a common ground. We want to support everyone and want to get on with a more positive situation as treatment and the illness is such a negative situation for everyone.

I am thankful that I have my friends on this blog and we all share a common goal of getting through this and those that have made it through treatment are here for me as well.

I wasn’t perky this weekend after my 19th shot on Friday night. I did absolute nothing on the weekend.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Shot 18

My workstation has been improved for my height and now I am trying to organize and clean it up. I’ll take in a can of liquid air to give it all a good dusting. It’s one thing about old stuff it’s a hell of a lot better if it’s clean, neat and organized looking. The scruff on the desktop items (computer, adding machine and storage units) is disgusting. Food slop and just plain scruff is just not professional for me. My boss won’t let me get to that aspect and he is out today and I’ll try to get some of the stuff cleaned off with a bottle of spray cleaner and paper towels I talked the custodian out off last week. I am doing it in bits when he’s not around.

Shot 18 last Friday night. I’m fighting the battle and feeling like I have been dragged through a knothole, but I’m hanging in with the fight.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Shot 17 Hair Today Gone Tomorrow

My New Office!
That is not an ocean view out that's another office. My office is the former walkway to this other office and has another desk in this same area to be shared with a casual employees for another department. Most of the walls are the backs of file cabinets. Everything is full of other people's stuff even under my desk and around me. Note the mega plants and mega trinkets on top of file cabinets. This is only 1/3 of the view of all this junk on top of file cabinets. The whole office area is full of this dust gathering crap.
What a hole!
A friend of mine went to train to be an electrologist (spelling?). We were sitting around at a party one night trying to come up with names for her new business. My husband came up with “Hair Today Gone Tomorrow”.

I am getting the itchy rash on my chest and back. I’ve had it for weeks, but I was in denial. I tried to be tough and refrain from using the hydrocortisone. I did purchase the over the counter .5% hydrocortisone cream as suggested by my NP. It helps at night with the itch. I do wonder how safe it is to use once a night continuously. I have a little splotchy areas around my hairline and I have only used it twice on that area as I know it’s not a good thing to use often on your face. I think. My hair is ending up in the shower drain and the bathroom sink. Gulp! It’s not a nice feeling

I am a 24 year employee with my business and I walked into my new job on Monday and my work station is totally unsuitable for me. I didn’t take my special ordered chair from my other place of employment and the desk was set up for someone 5’ 2”. I am clumped in a cubby hole with another desk to be shared with another temp employee they hire occasionally to help work overload in payroll. Mega boxes of their dead files are dumped in the same area. I had to go home and put the heating pad on my back every night this week and by the fourth evening I was ready to throw in the towel because almost everything I asked for or suggested to improve my station was put off by my immediate supervisor. I was told that they wouldn’t set up work station for a temporary employee. I am not a temporary employee. I am a 24 year employee and as my husband said to me this morning…”Rose, they came after you because of your experience…you shouldn’t be subjected to an improper work station, inefficient supplies and organization material.”

I’m not asking for a new workstation I am asking for a proper set up for my height and a proper work station with the stuff that is already available in the area I am required to work out off for three months. (I expect I’ll be working there more than that throughout the years.) On Thursday my boss from my other workplace had my chair sent over (and she is not happy with what they replaced it with…) I don’t blame her. It’s absolute disgusting, dirty broken junk. I was shocked at the condition of the equipment at our “main office”.

Friday maintenance came in and set my desk up on blocks to accommodate my keyboard posture. That helped, but I was made to feel as if I were a whiner and asking for too much by some office staff and maintenance.

On Monday I was given pencils and minimal supplies from someone else’s desk and thrown into the main work without the time to organize myself. I am given cast offs from other people’s desks that didn’t suit them. Therefore, they don’t suit me either. I am not allowed to pick out my planner organizer they will pick it out for me as I have to take what I can get. I wanted them to take their organizer and shove it up their arses. (I love this Riba…it helps me say this stuff “out loud”. ) I was admonished when I asked to send along the order code for the organizer that suits me. “You take what you get” was the response.

Someone in that office has at least a hundred plants along with their cast off dust gathering trinkets that they have picked up at yard sales over the years cluttering the whole place. They also bring their outside geraniums and summer patio plants into the office area (huge pots) to over winter them and the, dust, dirt and decay that the staff is subjected too is unbelievable. I could hardly believe it. They may as well light a smoke up at their desks as the allergens they are subjecting all their co-workers too with this dust and decay is unbelievable.

One worker there has been plagued with sinus problems for years and they removed the rug from her office. It didn't work for her and she is still bothered by it. Yah, think! I didn’t realize that she was subjected to all that decay for years.

I worked extra time this week and I won’t get paid for it. Yesterday, the supervisor consumed so much of my time sitting in the junk heap area of my office that I couldn’t even get a snack and only had time to grab a muffin for lunch. I expect that it will be the norm. I dropped 14 lbs since starting tx and this is not a good situation if I cannot eat.

I also will have to go in early next week to organize myself as my supervisor will not give me time to get organized. I will add all these extra hours into my work time to see if it is worth the extra money to even bother with this position after my three months are done. I won't get paid for the hours, but I want to keep a record to see if it's really worth my health. LOL

On a positive note I have learned some things that will help me with my regular position when I go back there in April.

Oh Yah! Shot 17 last night. I can feel a low weekend coming on with a vengeance.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Shot 16

16…Sigh! Every time I thought about the 16th shot this weekend for some reason I remembered my 16th birthday. I spent it at the beach as my birthday is in the middle of summer. I can even remember the bathing suit I wore that day. I was probably full of hope and had stars in my eyes. I am melancholy today. So much I could have done with my life and spent it waiting for something.

I’m not sure what I was waiting for now.

When I get through this treatment, no matter what, I am going to live my life very differently. I will take more chances, travel more and live my life for me because it didn’t help me following the straight and narrow. I thought I was safe by not taking any chances and staying cloistered with all the safe people in my life. Boy, was I self-mislead.

I'm pissed off! LOL

I survived Saturday and Sunday following the shot. I actually went for groceries on Saturday afternoon. The grocery trip is a milestone for someone who spent the first 15 weekends on treatment like a beached whale.

I expect I’ll get a bit wiped tomorrow as I usually do on Monday morning early. It’s the first day at my new job. I hope the brain fog doesn’t expose me as a fraud.