To Party or Not?

I feel like crap. I think it’s because of the change in my lifestyle the last couple of weeks and all the Christmas activities that I tired to do. Mind you I didn’t do a whole lot, but what extra I did has made me feel like absolute crap since Christmas Day. I couldn’t’ get the legs under me on the 26th or the 27th. I had hoped to feel pretty good before my needle tonight because I was off work on vacation all week. Nope! I feel like major CRAP!

I jumped on the scales and I’m 139 lbs this morning. Not a good thing for someone 5’ 11” at the tender age of permanent 49. I just purchased four new pairs of dress pants for work last week to hide the weight loss. If the pants fit better you don’t look so thin if they aren’t hanging off your bottom. There is one ladies tall store where I live and they only go down to a size 7 in a youth fit. I am not a youth and those hipster pants just aren’t working for me. LOL

Also, we got a call to go down to friend’s tonight for a get together. I thought I was brave enough that I could take my needle at 8 p.m. as usual pop a Tylenol and go down for a couple of hours. I’ll probably do it when I come home. I checked on the forum and Ross indicated it won’t hurt me to delay it a few hours and I probably should wait until I come home to do the shot.

I should try to get there for a few hours to put the crew off the scent that I’m not feeling up to par and not attending social activities. I will be questioned with the reason why I'm not drinking even though they haven't seen me drink at social activity since last January. (prior to dx) I think I can hold my own, however, the friend we will be traveling with did say the day she saw me a few weeks ago and indicated that I looked exhausted.

I expect I do.

Fake it until you make it!

My Christmas Dinner Spaz

I did as little as I could get away with throughout Christmas Eve and Christmas day, but it was more than my usual “slug state”.

I am licked!

I did a riba rant, shamefully, over my good flatware after everyone left following Christmas dinner. I did the same thing after Thanksgiving dinner and, ironically, following Thanksgiving dinner I vowed not to put any of my good dishes or flatware out until I was finished tx and thinking more logically. However, I had an extra guest for Christmas dinner who turned up at the last minute and I made the decision to put out my good flatware as my regular stuff is not the best. Being the only female in a house full of men I have to watch my good dishes and, of course, my elderly Mom causes me “grievous agony” with my good dishes and flatware at the best of times when I wasn’t on tx.

I look after it and I hand wash myself so that it remains the same year after year after it is used. When I had my wits about me prior to tx I could monitor that none of it went into the dishwasher or managed to get mixed into with the regular everyday flatware. I went days after Thanksgiving dinner looking for a fork that was missing. I ranted for days about it. It finally turned up and NO One would admit to the deed. (No wonder! LOL)

Well, the same thing happened following Christmas dinner only they put my good stuff in the dishwasher and, eventually, three knives and two forks were among the missing. I couldn’t find them for the life of me and after searching and searching obsessively for them I absolutely lost the plot. I know what I was doing was abnormal. LOL

Good thing it was only my poor husband who witnessed it. I was furious and I knew that I cannot put this stuff out anymore no matter what while I’m on treatment.

I need to get a life! LOL

Christmas dinner for 12 people (same as feeding 18 of a normal family...lol...big eaters) put me into a tailspin and I couldn’t find anything as things were not put back in their proper place. I couldn’t get near my kitchen to do my stuff as it was full of other people running the show. I was disorganized, totally unprepared and didn’t have the energy to do it. I usually have these huge dinners down to a fine art. Planned to the minute. Not this year!

I can only hope that I am still on this tx this time next year. Odd thing to wish for, however, it will mean that I made it past the 48 weeks and I’m into the extra 24 and only a month left that I have to treat to try and clear this virus. However, there is no one else that can take on Christmas dinner. It was always my responsibility and my Mom is 80 and my sister is crippled up with obesity so I am the only one to do it.

I made it through this one.

I’m not so sure I shall be able to make it through another one.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Merry Christmas to all!

Health & Happiness in the New Year.

Preparing for Christmas

I managed to get the gifts purchased and wrapped the last several weeks with some help from my husband. Saturday was a day of gift wrapping and I do appreciate those bags that you can dump the gift into instead of the cutting and taping of the rolls of wrapping paper. Just figuring out how to cut it and wrap it…along with what tag and ribbon to use just boggled my mind. It seemed too complicated. LOL My husband has told me that my brain fog has just brought me down to the level of everyone else. He’s a laugh a minute!

My Christmas doesn’t usually have my usual finesse and I am disappointed that none of the extra touches are done. I don’t have the energy to do it all and it will be the first Christmas in 20 years that I won’t have my Christmas table set with my Christmas dishes. It will be a 10% Christmas on my scale of 100%.

I didn’t entertain, bake, decorate extensively or purchase the perfect little gifts for my boys and my family. I couldn’t go anywhere to be entertained and had to give up many social invitations pretending that I was already booked with another event to attend. I don’t want to get into discussions with very prying friends why I am not having my social glass of wine. It’s daunting to know that this will be my life for the next year and a half. I can only say that I tried the treatment and it’s not too big of a price to pay if this is all I have to lament.

My whole world evolves around injecting that needle on Friday night…getting those two pills into me at an early dinner so that I am not suffering from wired sides at night. No one I know entertains dinner at 5 p.m. Also, where I have to take the pills in the middle of the meal with yoghurt it certainly puts a damper on having a meal in public and raising a few eyebrows. I can go without the yoghurt if it’s a big enough meal, however, I have to stop my meal, reach into my purse and eat the pills. I could get up in the middle of the meal and go take them in the washroom, I guess. I’ll eventually get around that I suppose. However, talk about bringing unwanted attention and questions to the ritual that I don’t want to discuss.

On a much brighter note other than feeling sorry for myself…lol… I had very good blood tests results from last week and the nurse practitioner is hopeful that being this far into the treatment my bloods should stay the same. I can only hope that they will.

NP is concerned that my blood sugar is low and is questioning whether I am eating enough. Yup! I have no room for any more food. I never go hungry and I am eating well balanced healthy meals. I always had a little trouble with low blood sugar and didn’t think it was an issue. It seems to be showing up in this treatment. She told me to eat copious amounts of junk to get the blood sugar up and I was never a huge junk eater…except fresh plain salted chips. (crisps for all you UK’ers) My nemesis has always been chips.

Shot 14 down on Friday night. Saturday was a good day. This morning I am feeling a bit off. I usually do feel flu-like in the mornings and improve throughout the day. Ironically, one would think that I’d be better in the mornings after a night’s sleep. Nope! Of course, by the evening I have increased fatigue.

Job Offer...Worst Possible Time of My Career

I received a call last Wednesday and I am gob smacked. I have been offered three month term position by my employer. Head office wants to second me from my regular job to put me out in a management position. It’s a good one and it’s working at different work sites locally regarding auditing. It’s not heavy duty, but it can open some doors for me once I am feeling better if I get through tx . (or not!)

TX is my mission right now, however, this three month position will be beneficial to me upon retirement as I would possibly be able to “ease out” and work some, but not full time when the time arrives. My pension plan was very crappy and I will not have a good pension when I am required to retire.

It’s not a strenuous job, it’s a thinking job.

I won’t be able to hide as well as I could at my regular job.

I have no idea how my sides will change during the next three months. No one on treatment has this knowledge.

This opportunity has come up and I had been longing for a chance at this opportunity for years only to have it come up at the worst possible time of my career. It was never even an option for me as I was always “passed over” and someone else (the same person every time) was chosen. That person was not considered this time. I was shocked.

I asked them for an extension of the weekend to make up my mind. I know they are shocked that I hesitated as they figured I would jump at the position. The contributing factor is I am on long term chemotherapy and trying to hide the fact that I have this virus.

I have a very nasty tyrant for a co-worker and this might compound problems for my other colleagues in my current workplace if I take the position. (Knowing her it will be a problem)

I waffled for days over this and put things in order at work as if I am taking the short term job, however, I do wish it were a decision I didn’t have to make this year. The opportunity will not be offered again and they will move on very quickly to someone else if I refuse and that person will benefit.

Interesting what life hands you, isn’t it?

Someone told me a long time ago (my current boss) that “things happen for a reason”.

Shot 13 down Friday, December 14. That puts me into the 50’s left. 59 to be exact.

What a trip.

Shot 12

I overdid it at work on Thursday and managed to acquire a hulking migraine by Friday morning. I am not susceptible to headaches, but this one was sickening. I am working eight hour days with no major breaks in the day and I was forced to work on someone else’s project in order to speed it up as this other person has been dragging their heels doing it. I had to do it so that my part will meet the deadline looming next week. I stressed myself and focused on it all Thursday so it was inevitable that I would feel like crap on Friday. I was delayed getting into work about an hour after the Tylenol kicked in and my stomach settled down from the headache. I was seedy all day, but I was OK to function.

Also, a co-worker was out for two days (Thursday and Friday) so it compounds my job when she is out. She misses major amounts of time and it’s going to hit them hard when I go on reduced work load and then when I eventually take off sick time they might notice the burn. I realize everyone is replaceable. :(

I was eager to get home by the end of the day.

I decided on Friday that I could not do Christmas. On Saturday the family unit, the boys, husband and one of the boy’s beautiful girlfriend, J, all got together and decorated my two trees. I am such a fanatic about my Christmas trees that it would take me a week or so to decorate them in the past. However, when I came out off the bedroom after my exhausted nap on Saturday afternoon the trees were done and were perfect. They were the most beautiful Christmas trees I ever had because everyone chipped in to get it done. Being the only female with three males for all these years I had to orchestrate everything. I always thought that they didn’t really pay attention to it all, but this year it just warmed my heart how much they remembered and how much they kicked in to help. The boys are going to pick out stuff for each other’s socks. I cannot shop, I cannot go and do and I cannot function through this season without help.

The 12 shot is done at full strength. I have not had my bloods done since November 7. I have to have one done on the 17th of December before my appointment in the clinic.

I think I’m holding my own. However, folding a sheet is a major task and I had to rest after I put each blanket on the bed when I changed it today.

The Dentist!

I made it to my dentist today. My older son couldn’t make his appointment this morning so I took his place. This is the first time I had been back to the dentist since my diagnosis.

The cleaning is done and over with and a huge milestone for me because this bothered me terribly going back to my dentist’s office after I had to admit to him that I was diagnosed with hep c last spring. It was a struggle to tell him and I left him to the last person I had to tell.

My poor dentist knows that I have one huge dentist phobia. Ironically, all these years I was so fearful of picking up some heinous disease from a dentist that I would always insist on the first appointment of the day so I would be sure that all the instruments used for cleaning teeth would be fresh from the autoclave.

Even though I do not know where and when I picked up hep c the only possibility I have focused on since my diagnosis has been dental surgery in the 60’s & 70’s. We had a very skanky dentist in my home town at that time. He was a legend in skanky. However, as a child I also lined up for those inoculations and I keep wondering about those TB shots where they punctured us with the same instrument after clipping on a new plate.

Even though my dentist is immaculate and he assures me I am safe with him and patients who come in after me will be safe I am having a struggle with this aspect of my life.

I am a wreck with it.

Shot 11 was smooth and uneventful. Same old, same old, fatigue.

Woof!

I didn' t rally around until this afternoon. I was ill and managing to put one foot ahead of the other since Friday afternoon last week. I am suspicious that I may have had a bout of the flu as co-workers are off with it. Ironically, I didn't take a day off as I thought it was tx. I don't want to use up my sick days yet. With 62 more weeks left I kind of think I should hoard them. I wonder if the riba kept the flu in check as I didn't get it as badly as my co-workers ?

Browsing the Net and found this!

http://hepcfriends.activeboard.com

Shot # 10

I had a miserable evening last night after coming home from work. I was sick as a dog and I think now that I didn’t eat enough with my pills I had with dinner. I managed to stop the urge to vomit with deep breathing and I did get up off the bed at 7:30 to do my injection. I was not well all day today and I stayed close to the bed.

10.5 pounds less and I hope I’m not getting to the nausea stage of this treatment that so many people seem to go through. I was doing well with not having nausea. I’ll have to force more food down as it was not pleasant evening on Friday.

I worked 40 hours this week and that could have been a contributing factor to the downslide on Friday.

I shall push on!

63 More Weeks

I was feeling so well by Tuesday last week that it was scary. I had a miserable Monday and the rest of the week I almost felt OK. I had my shot # 9 on Friday night and I actually had an OK weekend. I didn’t go anywhere or do anything the last nine weekends because I don’t know how I’m going to feel from one hour to the next.

I had a nosebleed this morning, but it might be from the dry air from indoor heating although I’m not prone to nosebleeds. I won’t be seeing the NP until the end of December so I might get my own doc to check my blood.

Let’s see if the second peak of the meds hits me tonight at midnight (my theory) and see how I feel on Monday.

64 More Weeks

I didn’t get a two log drop on my four week bloods. 1.63 drop so I get to plug along and not have another PCR test until week 24. This makes absolutely no sense to me. However, when I questioned the NP she said…”It’s all I have to offer.”

At least it’s working. My bloods from Oct 19 indicate that my ALT is 28 and my AST is 24 so that tells me that the minor inflammation I had prior to starting tx is now under control.

The NP called yesterday to tell me that my HB dropped from 106 to 104 in two weeks so I hope that it will level off. She was also concerned that my blood sugar dropped. I’m feeling the burn. I took shot eight last night I took a really bad fall a few hours later when I was chasing the kitten so I can no longer trust myself to be sure footed. This morning I feel as if I were pummeled. My neck, shoulders, arm and hand are very sore. I didn't think I was going to bruise earlier today, but it's a deep one on my hand and thumb. I am hoping that it's not visible by the time I go to work on Tuesday. Extremely sore this evening along with needle sides.

Week 7

I had the usual beached whale feeling Saturday and Sunday, however, Monday and Tuesday really knocked me for a loop. I was breathless and the fatigue is worse. I’m still upright, though. I just move slower.

I find out this week how my viral load did on the four week bloods.

Week 6

I am holding my own. Pretty well wiped by the time I get home from work. Some nights I manage to do a little bit, but I wear down fast.

What's with this shaky, wobbly voice that I have acquired? I sound feeble and worn out when I talk. My friend thinks I have a terrible cold and eventually when this rough voice doesn't ease up I'll have to admit that I'm on some sort of meds.

Went to my regular doc this week and had the six month shot of Twinrix. I probably should have waited until I was finished treatment. I'll get it checked around Christmas time to see if it worked or if the tx has supressed it. I also received a flu shot even though the NP told me that it wouldn't do me any good. My doc didn't hold much interest in the NP's advice. LOL

Week 5

NP called husband this afternoon to tell me that my hemoglobin is a bit low and that's what is going on with the shortness of breath. It's not bad, but I noticed it.

Beginning viral load is 549,540

I had my four week viral load done and my whole treatment seems to be based on this four week viral load.

I am very mixed up after talking to my NP here are my options when I get the results of last week’s tests and I am thrown for a loop because NP said my four week tests will determine the following:

If I have a one log drop I’ll have to stop
If I have 1-2 log drop I’ll have to treat 72 weeks
If I have 2 log drop “but still measure” then I have to treat 72 weeks
If I have 2 log drop and “not measure” I will have to treat 48 weeks.

If I continue I will not get another viral load test until week 24

I expect the rules to change as I go along with this NP as they were certainly changed when I received the hand written options listed above from her last week. It hardly seems fair that so much is determined by a four week outcome when other places in the world wait until the eight or 12 week outcomes to determine stopping or length of treatment.

Let’s hope I misunderstood, but it’s written on a piece of paper here and it appears these decisions are made after my four week VL test.

Shot number five Friday Oct 19.

I did a bit better this weekend when I didn’t hold back on the extra strength Tylenol. According to NP I am only allowed 2000 mg in 24 hour period. I was skimping on them prior to this weekend and I just took them every six hours for the first day and got along much better. It’s my new plan.

I was horizontal most of Saturday and Sunday I felt seedy. I notice I have very little energy on the weekends so my major work around the house has to be broken up into chunks on week nights when I am feeling good enough to do the necessary cleaning of bathrooms.

I am avoiding one of my friends as she will be relentless with figuring out what is wrong with me. She is busy with a major thing in her own life and that will probably take the heat off me until the middle of December then I’m on my own with her and it will be difficult to hide that I am not available on the weekends to do stuff with her.

I had to use the cold excuse this weekend and had to miss a major yearly party.

Ironically, my voice is gravelly as if I have a cold and I think it’s all out exhaustion from the meds. They all think I have a cold. I can’t use that excuse for 43 more weeks.

Also, I do notice a bit of trouble catching my breath when I exert myself so my bloods must be dropping. I’ll know after these recent blood tests.

4th Shot

Uneventful night but woke up with a “take a headache” feeling. I did nothing all day and rested.

Last Thursday was a bad one. I know not to push myself too much because it made me ill. Managed to get into a heated discussion at work with a whining co-worker and it shocked the hell out of her when I came up fighting. LOL This riba has kind of empowered me.

Had my blood tests done on Friday and managed to get a different clerk. She asked the same questions as the other clerk so my pals on the forum were right. The blood lab clerks are asking standard questions because of the type of tests the NP is requesting.
I will NOT give them any information about my treatment. It’s none of their business.

Anyhow, one vein collapsed (my one good one!) and the lady had to stab me again. It was hard to get it to stop bleeding so I expect the bloods will show something this week. I bruised badly where I had the needle stick.

Pumpkin Cheesecake

Pumpkin Cheesecake

1 cup ginger snap cookie crumbs
½ cup finely chopped pecans
3 tablespoons butter, melted
250 g package cream cheese
¼ cup sugar
½ teaspoon vanilla
1 egg
14 oz can pumpkin
160 ml (small) can evaporated milk
½ cup sugar
2 eggs slightly beaten
1 teaspoon cinnamon
½ teaspoon ginger
½ teaspoon nutmeg

Combine first three ingredients; press on bottom of spring form pan 9”. Combine softened cream cheese, sugar and vanilla. Mix until well blended. Add egg and mix well. Pour over crust. Chill while preparing pumpkin mixture. Combine remaining ingredients. Mix well. Carefully ladle over cheese mixture. Bake at 325 degrees for one hour and 30 minutes or until set. Loosen cake from rim of pan. Cool before removing rim of pan. Chill. If desired garnish with whipped cream.

10-12 servings

Third Weekend

I gave myself the shot around 8 p.m. Friday night. I was concerned as a bit of the meds leaked out onto the band aid. (not much) However, I knew that I had my shot by the way I felt on Saturday.

Slept OK with no major sides, however, all day Saturday I was zapped. My bed looked better than anything else all day. I forced myself to get up and watch tele for a bit. The thing that irritates (oh oh…is it riba rage) me the most is that I am trying to keep this a secret and the people who know that I am going through this are trying to make themselves feel better by down playing my side effects. They are making up reasons why it’s not the meds. That perplexes me.

I have noticed is that I seem to have a “frog in my throat” and my voice is shaky and I feel like I constantly clearing it. I expect that it’s a side.

The weight is starting to drop off and husband is insisting that there is something wrong with our scales. All I can say is that I asked him to weigh in with me the very first week and he has been weighing in with me every Friday morning and his weight has not changed. However, it took three weeks for him to admit that I am losing weight. Good Grief! My dress pants are hanging off “me ass”!

I am eating better than I have eaten in years. I am gorging on fats (YUCK) and the weight dropping off right now. I expect it will level out soon. I wonder if the meds stimulate your metabolism. I am not active like I used to be and I’m eating like a tank and I didn’t eat like this before so it has to be the fact that the meds rev up the system to burn the calories and fat.

I have a feeling that one of my bosses at work is looking at me oddly. I am not showing the zip that I usually have and I think he may have noticed. I’ll have to buck up and put on a brave face at work.

Major Thanksgiving meal planned for here today.
I hope I don’t feel like I felt last Sunday.


I have a wonderful Harvest Pumpkin Cheesecake recipe if anyone wants me to post it here.

Second Shot

I injected around 8 p.m. Friday night. The night seemed uneventful, but Saturday I was tired and lazed around all day. Today, Sunday, I didn’t feel great. Flu-like. I hope to get the pins under me for work tomorrow.

Uneventful and I'm Not Complaining

The days following the shot have been very uneventful.

I misread the riba info on the package and thought that I had to store the capsules in the refrigerator and keeping all meds the right temperature. I thought that my life was totally married to the refrigerator. At least if I get along OK I can transport the capsules in my purse and if I get to dine out somewhere I can sneak the pills in with my meal.

My injection site grew a circle of itch around it today. It wasn’t extreme, but noticeable. Strange that it took days to show itself.

I'm still standing

This morning I am up and having my coffee. I think that’s a good sign. I’ll take it easy today and get myself ready to face work tomorrow.

The sides hit around 3:30 p.m. on Friday and the night was a night of major fever, muscle aches, headache, vomiting (I know what I did wrong ... two painkillers on a waterlogged stomach just didn't do the trick).

Yesterday I had a headache most of the day that was eased up with my water intake and painkillers. I found the extra strength painkillers the best and even though I’m not allowed more than 2000 mg in a 24 hour period I will not hesitate to take them in the hours of need after the injections. I will just watch that I don’t go over 2000 mg.

This morning I had a nasty little episode that is too impolite to discuss. However, the rest of the day was normal.

I won’t find out if I cleared the virus until twelve weeks from now. I will have my blood taken every week and then at week four I’ll have the PCR done and it will be held until I have a PCR done at week eight and the lab will do them in a batch because it’s so expensive. I hope they don’t screw up. They have been known to do that.

Toast & peanut butter with three Ribas has become my official breakfast for the next 48 weeks. I do not like it. I like cereal.

I’m not a great eater, especially dinner. I have to take two ribas then and I do wonder if I can get away with less meal because I am taking two at that time. Lunch is usually the time I eat, however, it doesn’t work out to be the time that I am supposed to take the pills.

The day was OK and I seemed OK. I did my usual stuff around the house and I seem none the worse. It was rough Friday night and Saturday wasn't extremely fun. I am amazed I’m still standing.

D Day

We made it to the pharmacy early and paid for the meds. They had to be packed in a huge Styrofoam container so we could get them home. My husband dragged the huge Styrofoam container all through the hospital and when we arrived at the doc’s office the NP noticed us and took us into her office. I was given instructions then I gave myself the shot in front of her. I was out the door on my way to the blood lab within minutes and on my way home by noon.

Self injection … I hesitated and figured I had better bite the bullet and get it done. It was a piece of cake. I have to work up nerve to do it next Friday, again…and then so on.

I’ll see how tonight goes.

Warming Up to a Cold

GREAT! I ended up with a raspy throat and the beginnings of a cold today. I couldn’t believe it. I probably will NOT bring any attention to it tomorrow. I will probably be sick anyhow I may as well add the angst of tx sides to my personal misery.

If I say it out loud to the NP she might postpone my tx for more weeks. That’s not an option!

Chop Chop

I had a hair appointment today and I had my hair coloured for the last time and cut very short before the big day. I may as well get prepared just in case I have trouble with thinning hair. Not being able to colour it will be a problem for me. I almost felt as if I was suffering penance watching the swirls of hair falling on the cape and to the floor.

Tomorrow night I’ll go review the CD from the drug company and go through the pretend motions with the fake redi-pen.

Friday is the day.

Anti-d's :(

I went to my doc to get a script for an anti-d. I started 10 mg of Celexa last night. I hesitated when I investigated the med further when I came home and discovered that it could cause insomnia. The chemist told me last week that it is suggested that it’s taken before bedtime as it causes drowsiness. I waffled for about an hour over taking it before I went to bed and finally I just took it. Down the hatch! Gulp! Gulp!

I am a tad seedy this morning. I wonder how a person feels when they take 20 mg?????

I have no other choice. I have to take it as I figure I’ll need it. All this anxiety, fear and clock and dagger garbage is breaking me.

I am so peeved that I have to take these extra meds, but what’s the point of suffering with this mental anguish along with all the other crap I’ll be subjected to when I treat?

"I guess!" ???

The long wait for prognosis, genotyping, appointments with specialist, biopsy, appointment with wrong NP following the biopsy and then the super extended long wait to get an appointment to start the tx has worn me down. I believe that if I had of had less time to sit and ponder it I would have been into tx head first.

This journey started with an innocent home visit from a representative from an insurance company who did a physical on December 4, 2006.

It’s been one emotional roller coaster ride since then and I only missed one day of work for my specialist appointment in April.

My reluctance to take time off work for the biopsy last June didn’t help my cause. I had to wait until the first week of July when I was on vacation. However, since a situation that happened at work in June I have come to realize that I work with wieners who take time off work for “farting crosswise” so I will NEVER hesitate to see the doc during work time again. Also, if I need the time off during tx…I will take it. I have copious amounts of sick time that I have accumulated over the years. I’m just not the type of person that abused it and I have always had in the back of my mind…what if I need it! Well, that train of thought came back to bite me on the bum, didn’t it?

This is insignificant, but this is a good place to vent. Yesterday, I was sitting at work trying to figure out how to get to the doc to ask for a new anti-d to try as I came off the one he gave me the last time. I am kicking and screaming with the idea that I have to take anti-d’s for tx.

I was trying to figure out when I could get to doc’s office so I wouldn’t draw attention to myself at work. I realized that it was stupid of me to try to work this around my schedule after work when I just couldn’t get there. It was recommended by the chemist to start an anti-d as soon as possible because the anti-d she suggested takes two weeks to work.

I went into my boss and mentioned that I had to step out for a few minutes if it were OK with him. He had no problem with it because I’m not the type of person who asks for these types of things. I went to reception (out of courtesy) and mentioned to my co-worker that I’d be stepping out for a few minutes and I’d be right back…as I walked away she sarcastically commented in a low voice “I guess!” I turned on my heels and I was LIVID and I responded with a vehement “Pardon Me”! She didn’t answer because she was never expecting me to respond to her like that, but she knew that I caught her innuendo. I was frothing mad. Went to doc’s office only to find he was on vacation. What are the odds of that? I was so upset making that snap decision to leave work to go to the doc that I forgot to call and wasted my time and set myself up for an upset with the little witch of a co-worker.

When I came back to work (and I was gone 20 minutes max) the co-worker was tentative with me and tired to make nice small talk. She knew I was PISSED.

This comment came from the co-worker who misses nearly 25 days a year for one reason or another. She’s lucky I wasn’t on Riba. I nearly “tore her a new a$$hole” without the help of meds. It was so unlike me to react to the snot like that.

It shocked her.

It didn’t shock me as I am severely pissed off regarding my diagnosis and I am ANGRY as hell.

A Friday Start Date

I received a call this morning from receptionist and my first shot appointment has been changed to a Friday. Well, the plan is in place. Now I have to get through it.

It’s an uneasy feeling signing up to get injected with something that probably will make me sick within a few hours only to suffer it out and get ready to take copious amounts of pills that might make me worse. Then I get to do it all over again the following week and so on for 46 more weeks after that.

Tylenol sounds like it’s going to be my new best friend.

I am going to waste the fifty-second year of my life.

I had so many plans.

They are all in limbo.

Hep C has been a huge set back to me. I cannot let it zap my self-esteem and my perception of “me”.

Upset

After months of waiting and weeks of more angst of waiting following a hurried call from the NP I get a letter in the mail today with a start date for a Monday.

I was devastated. I asked specifically to start on a Friday as I am going to try to continue working and getting the worst over with by Monday or Tuesday after my shots. (Ever hopeful, here) I had to call leave a voice mail for the secretary and ask for a Friday appointment.

It will probably take months for another date.

I specifically asked NP to give me a Friday afternoon appointment. She sure wasn’t listening. However, she certainly tells me things about myself that she perceives to be true.

It just prolongs the agony of it all.

No Word Yet

It looks like I'm going to be left hanging for another week for NP to call with start date.

Wheels Are In Motion

NP called me at work today. She asked me if I were ready to start treatment. I indicated I was ready … “I guess” (meaning I’m worn out with it all right now (December 4, 2006-August 25, 2007 and I have waited so long to get this show on the road) . She indicated that I didn’t sound too sure of treating. She told me that I sounded like “a glass half empty” sort of person. This is the second time she has said this to me in a conversation. She said it to me when she called me back in July. I resent it.

I told her I wasn’t thinking that way, I was just worn out from waiting around to hear from someone regarding treatment and waiting around for a date to start treatment.

It’s OK if I feel like I’m losing my nerve.

I just have to get that first shot over with and get the show on the road. There is no turning back then.

The anxiety of all the hoops I have to jump through to sign up for the possibility of making myself sicker before I might better. The uncertainty of even clearing the virus after all the agony and putting my life on hold for possibly two years is even more daunting…and she thinks I sound like “a glass half empty” person.

Things are in motion and it doesn’t look like it’s next week or the next. She told me she has to set up with several other people before I can get to needle day.

Pharmacists
Bureaucracy
Formalities

I also discussed my dislike of the anti-d’s and she asked me to make an appointment with my doc. Nope! I think I’ll come off them. I’ll take one every other day and then two weeks from now reduce to every three days.

On Wellbutrin (I have been on it since July 20) I am experiencing constant tinnitus, agitation, minor aggressiveness, minor impulsiveness, irritable, anxieties (other the Hep C horror anxieties) and dry mouth. I can live with the tinnitus and dry mouth if that were the only sides, but the rest of the sides are not acceptable. I don’t feel like myself. It will be like using the scientific method here trying to find an anti-d that works. The anti-d sides will be compounded with tx sides. Yipee!

I resent being on anti'd's and I figure I’ll have to be on them when I treat because I’m not doing so well since diagnosed. The Hep C diagnosis has put me over the edge because it altered everything I knew about my self to be true. My whole world dropped out from underneath me and I have become disillusioned, bitter and angry. It totally changed my outlook and my sense of well-being. At least I am aware of this change in my life vision and I am going to proactively take the steps to get back to where I was prior to diagnoses. I will have to have some sort of chemical help to take on the treatment as I know I am in trouble.

I am going into tx kicking and screaming having to take anti-d’s, but I know that I will probably need them.

NP Finally Called

I am faltering. I am losing my focus and becoming beaten with the anxiety of this waiting game.

However, when I came home from work there was a voicemail from her for me wondering when I wanted to get this show on the road. Gulp! I called back and, of course, had to leave a voicemail with the assistant. I left my work number, but I am very disappointed that NP didn’t call last week when I was home.

I am aiming at next Friday.

Scared ... it's a lonely decision.

Is It The Middle of August Yet?

Beautiful Champlain Rose

Another Wednesday has come and no date for me to start treatment. It’s pretty bad when the NP assures you that she will call “mid” August and is aiming for the end of August to start treatment. As mentioned before she asked me not to call her. She also assured me that she would call me. It’s creaking past mid August. I came home from work tonight and there is still no notification from her regarding a start date.

I should take out one of the demo needles and practice going through the procedure. Sigh.

Middle of August

I am very discouraged these days as I was sure that the NP would call me as soon as she received my fax last Monday, August 13, with the medical provider’s approval for treatment. I attached a note asking “ NP, How close are we to treatment?” I expect she couldn’t deal with me last week and I was hopeful to hear from her by Wednesday to set up a needle for Friday.

She indicated in the phone call in July that she would call me the third week in August and aim for the end of August for treatment. Last week, according to my calculation, was the middle of August. She told me during the July phone call “Don’t call me I will contact you.” (Yeah, Sure!) Of course, she didn’t contact me and I was hoping to get my first shot August 17. That just jumps it ahead more at the end and I want to get this show on the road to see if I can do this.

Now I am back to work tomorrow following vacation and I won’t be available for NP’s call. Will she call me at work? I can’t discuss this in depth at work. This just added more stress as I had planned not to return to work after vacation so no one would see me look “ok” on a Friday and then have to call in sick the whole next week while I see how I react to the meds. I’ll be taking a major flu that weekend and won’t have the legs under me the next week.

NP said she wants me to take a month off work. I would have liked to have started the treatment during vacation to see how I rally with it. It didn’t work out.

I have to believe that sometimes things happen for the best. I have to believe that when I start it will be the best time for me to start.

It’s a horrible ominous feeling knowing that I will be getting a needle (plus pills) that will make my first night a living hell.

Picture

"You can check out anytime you want, but you can never leave"

Well, I have to stop reading the negative things on the forum. It’s like watching a train wreck; I cannot pull myself away from looking at it all transpiring before my eyes. I want to turn away, but I am compelled to look.

I did this last night.

I read the post about the when someone with hep c dies that it is a biohazard situation for the funeral director and the family is faced with major unpleasant dilemma. I am sorry I read it and I never dreamed that it would be such a big deal. It’s not a nice thought that even though I have a glimmer of hope that I will treat the virus and, hopefully, clear the virus I will still be treated as a pariah the rest of my life and, also, in death.

Not doing too well with my anti-d’s. My husband is noticing that I am agitated and provoking conflict. I am ranting. Yikes! I know I am doing and I have to curb this confrontational change in my personality. I am hoping that it will subside as the weeks progress. I am very worried that when I treat the sides that cause aggressiveness and anger will be intensified ten fold. I will speak to NP regarding these sides I am having and see if there is something else I should be taking, although I did check the sides of the other anti-d’s and they aren’t any different.

Today I made the plunge and had my hair coloured to its original colour. Sniff. I was a wreck doing it as I figured it would be too dark for me now. It turned out OK. Now I have to find a safe brown henna to cover the flaws throughout tx.
Sigh!

Landscaping & Update on Medical Provider

Update! I received written approval from my medical provider for treatment today in the mail. I immediately faxed it to my NP. I should be close to starting treatment now. I should hear from her this week.

As soon as I hear from her I’ll practice setting up the needle with the two demo redipens that the drug company starter pack provided.

I am into major landscaping these days. The main thing to do is get the grass planted then look at it for a while and decide what I want to do. I have hired someone to do the plans, but I have not heard from her yet. I spent the weekend with Mr. Bulldozer and Mrs. Excavator. I have to make decisions regarding the previous owner’s mature plantings here. There are only a few that I like; however, I do hate to kill the plants. The landscapers will be back in the middle of the week and I have to have a plan. I am trying to use other people’s bushes because I don’t want to destroy the plants.

The previous owners landscaped with a hand grenade.

I cannot get my head around it and, of course, my husband has no vision and cannot understand why I don’t like the stuff that is currently here.

These people did multiples of everything. Three blue spruce in a straight line across the front of the property. Seven bushes lined up like soldiers in a stip across the front lawn like a barricade. They propagated bushes and have three and four of the same bushes placed all over the lawn. It’s colourless and unimaginative and a mess.

As the scrub trees are removed and the soil is smoothed it’s looking good and taking shape, but looking a bit barren.

I’ll have a winter of tx to sit and look at the designers plans for us and then decide what I want to do by next fall.

Waiting

Waiting.

I waited from December 18, 2006 to January 25, 2007 to get a confirmation that I tested positive for Hep C. I nearly went crazy with the angst and pretty sure that it was a false positive that the insurance company found during a routine test taken early December. The health care system took its good old time to get back to me with the results. It was a real shocker for me and my family. Not a clue where I picked it up along the way in my cloistered life.

Of course, the company refused me the insurance policy that was my first slap in the face regarding the stigma attached to this virus.

Waiting.
I finally get to see a nurse practitioner the middle of April.

Waiting.
Liver biopsy July (excellent, I should add and happy for it)

Waiting.
Treatment

I cannot live within my own skin…I should try and treat to see if I can exterminate the virus.

What a long drawn out process and my patience is wearing thin. I expect the waiting will be much longer while I try to treat. 48 weeks.

I am an emotional wreck over all this along with being angry and bitter as hell. I hope that this anger will subside. I resent the fact that I was busy going along with my own life and had overcome and endured other crap only to get gut punched with this heinous virus.

I’m hiding and fearful that people will discover that I have Hep C.

This evening finally took the wrapping off the DVD supplied by the drug company to teach how to use the redipen. I have had the kit for weeks and I have been hesitant to look at that DVD. Well, I did tonight and it scares the hell out of me.